Friday, 30 June 2017

NIGYSOB

Hi there.
Thanks for popping in.
Friday’s blog a private peak, right?

Today something popped into my head which I haven’t thought of for years.

NIGYSOB
(Pronounced Niggysob)

Please allow me to explain...

Many years ago, I embarked on a course of study which involved TA. No, not the Territorial Army. Transactional Analysis. 
Very interesting psychology theory.
My marriage had fallen apart, I had come back to England from the States with two little kids, and was trying to figure out who I was, what had happened, and my part in the breakdown. 
Well, part of the course involved learning about games that people play. In fact, there’s a great little book by Eric Berne called just that: “Games People Play”

NIGYSOB is one that is played a lot.
It stands for Now I’ve Got You, you Son of a Bitch.

You know, when somebody baits you, provokes you, goads you, wants to get a reaction out of you. 
You keep your distance, you keep your mouth shut, you don’t buy into it. Or: you react.
And the minute you react, or bite, as my Dad would say, 
they’ve got you on the hook - like a fish.
In their minds they have won.
That is precisely where they get their kicks, their empowerment.

Hence the name NIGYSOB.
The SOB’s a bit strong, I know, but you get the idea. 

I inadvertently got caught up in it yesterday, quite innocently.
But suddenly I was on the hook.
And the only way to escape at that point is to detach, walk away, step away from the situation. 
AND DON’T GO BACK FOR MORE !!!

If there are any psychoanalists reading this blog, please forgive the layterms and the simple thinking, but I like it that way; it clarifies things for me.

By the time we are 5 or 6 years old, the theory is that we already have a firm belief of who we are and how the world perceives us. 
Let’s take R. She thinks she is a pain in the backside and that nobody likes her. She has felt this to be true since she was a little girl. She will go through life putting herself in situations to reaffirm that. She will upset people, not intentionally or consciously - this runs much much deeper than that - but she will, and they will either abandon her, leave her or avoid her. 
Now here’s the rub: every time it happens, she will think to herself,
“See? I told you! I told you nobody loves you!” 
And her core belief about herself gets further entrenched.  

Anyway. Enough of that.
Yesterday somebody wanted to pay NIGYSOB, and I bit.
Not for long mind! I was off that hook within minutes, as soon as I recognised the game. But I wanted to share the little I know about NIGYSOB, because it may be helpful to you. It certainly is to me. 

Love & Hugs,
Barb
xxx

PS If your name begins with R, don’t get paranoid on me! 
It’s just a random letter I picked.

56 comments:

  1. Definitely food for thought...thank you Barbara x

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    1. HOW I GOT MY MAN BACK
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      HOW I GOT MY MAN BACK
      i just want to start this way by giving a huge thanks to this man DR. UGO ANDREW for what he has just done in my life and my family . At first i thought it won,t work because many has failed me before but on a second thought i said let me just try and to my best surprise Harris my husband that said and insist he has nothing to do with me and my family again called me immediately this great man DR. UGO ANDREW of generalspelltemple@gmail.com cast a love spell on him and started begging for forgiveness. Well i love him so much and at once i accepted him back and today we are both living in pace and harmony, all the glory is to this man DR. UGO ANDREW of generalspelltemple@gmail.com DOC I THANK YOU once again for you are worthy of all the praise and thanks. forever am grateful and shall ever be to you . i also want to say if you are out there passing through any relationship issues you can contact him today and i strongly believe he will also help you out. once again you can contact him through the following way

      Email Address: generalspelltemple@gmail.com

      WhatsApp Number: +1 (518)855-8371

      Facebook page: www.facebook.com/generalspelltemple

      Delete
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  2. A thought provoking post today! Yes, been there too!
    Hugs
    Linda xxx

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  3. Good on you for walking away, Barbara! NIGYSOBS often don't realise the hurt they cause, but it's worse when they DO, and carry on anyway!!
    Maybe your little tale will make someone stop and think before indulging in this kind of 'game'.
    Jo x

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  4. I work with children many who have attachment disorder. Sounds very much like this.
    So looking forward to seeing you tomorrow !
    Love n hugs

    Trudy X

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    1. Me too may see you there xx

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    2. I will be there too. Only in the morning though as it is my Golden Wedding and the family are going out for lunch.x

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  5. I've been doing that a lot recently! Biting my tounge, not biting to the comments, not getting involved in what would be a hurtful exchange for all involved. Sometimes like you said its best to practice what I preach at work and not get involved in someone else's view. Hard at times, especially when that view is quite upsetting. Have a good weekend, looking forward to seeing your demos. Xx

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  6. Evening bloggy friends, hope everyone is well. I'm soooo excited its the weekend as I'm going to see Adele tomorrow at Wembley stadium!!!!! I can't wait. Xx

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    1. That's great Donna, just know you'll have a super time.x

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    2. Oh my goodness Donna what a treat, hope you have an amazing time. Sounds like you need a good weekend, biting your tongue and counting to 10 or walking away is quite tiring isn't it and your cheeks hurt from the bright smile you out on your face. Sending hugs xxx

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    3. Hi Donna,
      Well I'm jealous! I love Adele and would love to see her live but apparently she's hinted that she won't be doing any more! Have a fabulous time. Love and hugs Alison xxx

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    4. I went to see Adele on Wednesday, Donna. Absolutely fabulous show :D Enjoy xx

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    5. Lucky you Donna - enjoy every moment xxx

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    6. I hope you have a fabulous time Donna.

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    7. Oh Donna,
      Sorry to hear that the concert has been cancelled! I bet you're absolutely gutted! I know I am for you and everyone else who had tickets. Sending love and hugs,Alison xxx

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  7. It is easy to become involved in the game but much more satisfying, although at times harder, to walk away. Well done Barbara - proud of you. Now if only I could do the same. Lol xxx

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  8. It can be hard to walk away, as you often don't realise until it is too late! Over the years I have had a few so called friends who have tried to do this and as I don't like conflict or upsetting others I would end up not realising what was happening until it too late. Needless to say, they are now ex-best friends!
    I hope that this post helps others to be able to walk away.

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  9. Yes, much easier to walk away if we can, must make the other person really irritated too ! X

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  10. Some years ago, there was someone who was heavily involved with us in running a club. He thought he had been ignored in some decision making (he had actually been outfitted) and he really went off on one. He refused to speak to anyone else,so the rest of us developed what turned out to be a very effective strategy. While he refused to speak to us, we all refused to acknowledge his refusal, and constantly went out of our way to speak to him and thus force him to answer us. In the end, we were successful and he gradually realised how childish he had been. I have used that approach very successfully since then. These days, unless I am face to face,but that does not work through keyboard interactions, so I choose to remove the negatives permanently. I have to say that this has reduced my Facebook interactions to a very pleasant meeting place. I will remember NIGYSOB for future reference. Hope your day has turned into a positive place. xxx Maggie

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  11. Great food for thought Barb! I get you. Add being abused into that mix showing you you are worthless, useless, and bad, that's the psychological mess and battle I'm trying to deal with every day in life. Then add Asperger's/autism on top, what chance do I have eh! No one ever reached my soul though, no matter how hard they tried to break me, my deep down who I am, the wee bright light deep inside me. And I'm very proud of managing to keep that safe, and more and more able to let that out to shine from me. I have made some progress on the recognising and not biting front though, the more I've learned (the hard way) about these people you are talking about, and about the fakers, liars, fantasists, the more knowledge it gives me, so I can, one - spot them and turn away, of if that fails, two - deal with it in my head once I've been hooked, so I can then turn my back on them and leave them to wallow in their miserable selfs. There seems to be an awful lot of them around!!! Hiding behind their laptops, tablets etc. thinking they are safe because no one can find out the truth, no one can reach them. Well, wrong, the truth and they are always found out eventually. Not taking the bait, or turning your back once you have, great feeling eh, every time, huge achievement, and keeps your soul, who you are, intact and true to yourself. Mega empowerment that, makes you grow, eh. That's what matters, not those trying to drag you down to their level. And if all else fails, my old Scots saying, that I better not repeat here, my secret weapon, works a treat, sure turns it all around!!!! 😊

    Great to be alive eh. Even if up here we have just had more than a month's worth of rain in 36 hours!!!!! I was about to ask if anyone had a build your own Noah's ark kit lurking in their shed to donate to me, Daisy, and oor poor wee sparrows. Might still need it more on it's way!!!! Positive - the water tables, and reservoirs have been well and truly filled up!!!!

    Hope you can have a rest day tomorrow Barbara, and nae mare folk oot wi thir fishin lines and hooks.....

    Could I suggest please, we send some loving thoughts to wrap around baby Charlie's mum and dad.

    Love Brenda xx

    Hi to everyone reading, and not wanting to comment

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    1. hello Brenda
      Thank you for your kind thoughts over the last few weeks regarding my MRI scan. I think you are a remarkable lady and your comments are worth every single word. Take care and keep up your positive comments. They inspire me.
      Anne (Reading)

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    2. Aww, thanks so much Anne. You've just given me my reason to smile today 😊. I keep my fingers crossed things continue to go good for you, it's about time, with the stuff you've had going on for ages. I like reading your comments too, you're funny. I hope you enjoy your retreat. Give Barb a big bear hug from me. xx

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  12. I have been caught on this hook many a time too. I'm learning to recognise and free myself, and you Barbara, have been an inspiration to me. To thine own self be true, you said to me, and I have been putting it into practice.

    There is someone very close to me who needs to read this too. He is like me, and is too soft for his own good, so I have sent him the link. Thank you so much for your sage words. Glynis xx

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  13. Interesting subject your blog today Barbara. Makes you really think about situations that have happened. Love both my Gold membership items which arrived today with lots of inspiration. So they are arriving soon ladies and gents any day now. You'll sure to be delighted.xx

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  14. Hi all you lovely blog friends. Hope you have enjoyed your day, not much rain today but very overcast. Want to catch up on Rosella's shows this evening, only managed to watch a bit of the first one yesterday. Have a good weekend everyone.xxx

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    1. Hi Pam,
      Rosella's shows were really good yesterday - you'll enjoy them. Been foul here again today. Love and hugs Alison xxx

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    2. Hi Pam - I think that we might have had some of your rain here. Not stopped all day, and quite chilly too! Love and hugs, Gilly xxx

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  15. Wise words, but can be easier to say than do sometimes. John & I have started reciting a little saying : "Not my circus, not my clowns" when people try to put their issues onto us - not in front of them obviously, but it helps us to recognise what is in our gift to change, and what isn't! Hope your prep is continuing to progress well. I'm off to a needlefelting beginners class tomorrow - very excited to try a new craft, and already I'm thinking about how/if I can use my stencils and stamps with it x

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    1. That sounds fun Susan have fun xx

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    2. Have fun tomorrow, I'll hear all about it on Wednesday.

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  16. Interesting thoughts, glad you managed to walk away. I do try to avoid conflict, really do not like it but do not always succeed. Hope the weekend goes well, looking forward to the TV shows. Oh and thank-you for the lovely club items this month. xx

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  17. Hi Barbara
    A very thought provoking blog today, I'm glad you were able to recognise what was happening and walk away, I know how hard it is to do. Sometimes you put the smile on your face and listen or read what is being said and wait until you can politely walk away all the time churning inside. Each time is a little victory, you have ignored the bait and hopefully you feel a bit stronger. I hope you can have a relaxing evening before your busy weekend. Loved the design club envelope today, so pretty. Hope the rash is clearing up.
    Love Diane xxx

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  18. Hi Barb,
    Very thought provoking blog today. Like Lynne, I do try to avoid conflict whenever I can. Doesn't always happen mind you! My Club goodies arrived this morning and I love all three - worth the wait I must say. Looking forward to the shows on Sunday and a Monday ( even if my bank balance isn't!). Love and hugs Alison xxx

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    1. Hi bloggy friends,
      Well, the weather has been absolutely foul here again today - heating is back on! Thank you for all your comments yesterday, cheered me up. My back isn't too bad today thankfully. Dave took me up to Newcastle for a couple of hours of retail therapy. When I got back I managed to organise my Groovi folders - well the square plates anyway. Still got the baby plates, A5 and A6 ones to do, but at least I've made a start! Looking forward to seeing some of you at Leyburn ( well hopefully anyway). Love and hugs Alison xxxx

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    2. Hi Alison - glad to hear that your back has been easier today. Sounds like you enjoyed your retail therapy! Been horrid here all day - looking forward to the shows, just hope that the tv reception will be good enough. Still having problems! Keeping everything crossed that we get to Leyburn, love and hugs Gilly xxx

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  19. It's hard not to respond but best is walking away. See you tomorrow xxx

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  20. I am prone, especially with my family to fall into this trap like a fish to the hook. However in my job I have to prevail with extreme professionalism and frequently step back no matter what is thrown at me. It often comes out when I come home and I am banned to my craft room!
    I have had an extremely harrowing day in Court - worst I have experienced - boxes and boxes of tissues used (I really do not know how I kept my composure)
    Anyway it has reminded me that this is not a rehearsal - do you best, be happy if you can, walk in the other person's shoes etc.
    Sorry for the tome - perhaps today is now coming out.
    My spirits were lifted when I came home and there was my design club goodies and a lovely letter for dear Barbara. I then went to my allotment aka country cottage garden and picked many sweet peas and gave them all away.
    Apologies again and wishing everyone of your lovely virtual people and a happy weekend full of fun and laughter.
    Lots of love Anne (Reading)

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    1. Hi Anne - no need to apologise, sounds like a truly horrid day for you. I love sweet peas - you have brought back many happy memories of My Dad on his allotment - he always grew some sweet peas too, bless him. Happy days! Have a great weekend - hugs Gilly xxx

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    2. You're inspiring too Anne, having such an awful day, then giving out sweetpea RAKs to brighten other people's day. Bet it made you feel good too. Stick that good stuff over the bad stuff inside, like a sticking plaster, until your head starts to process and move on. That's what I do so I can keep functioning through the bad times. My sweetpeas had just started flowering, now broken by the wind. But that's ok, it will encourage more buds eh. Hope you can switch off for the weekend xx

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    3. Hi Anne,
      Sorry to hear you've had such an awful day. At least you had a lovely surprise when you got home, love and hugs Alison xx

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  21. I have enjoyed reading today's blog Barbara - really good advice. It is all too easy to get caught on someone's hook! I have finally learnt over the years to stand back and keep quiet - especially with some family members. Funnily enough I was talking to my best friend this afternoon and her daughter is using this technique with her 12 year old daughter. She has found that if she ignores her daughter, it is far more effective. Looking forward to seeing the shows at the weekend (tv reception willing) - love and hugs GIlly xxx

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    1. Hi to everyone on the blog - whether just reading or commenting too - I hope that your weather has been better than ours today! Mind you, lots to look forward to, the shows at the weekend and I have just seen that the members sale will commence tomorrow! Oh dear - that's going to use up our funds I think! Love and hugs, Gilly xxx

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    2. According to Tina the sale is active now. I am just off to have a look.x

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    3. Yes Rosalind - there are 13 pages to look at! Just been looking, chosen 4 items already, which are on my wish list! Perfect! xx

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    4. Hi Gilly,
      Only four! I'm up to 10 and I'm only on page 4!!!! Love and hugs Alison xxx

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  22. OMG! I recently thanked you at the Open Day for changing my life as I'm now doing a counselling course in Crowborough and TA is a big part of my course. I'm working on my Script and am aware of my default 'I'm Not OK, You're OK' and boy how much better are my relationships now I try to react in Adult!! I'm sure you know what I mean!

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  23. I wish I'd known about NIGYSOB 25 years ago, I probably wouldn't be in the mess I'm in now. I am however, walking away now. My favourite phrase of the moment is 'the bigger the storm, the brighter the rainbow'.

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    1. Sounds good to me Julia! Keep focused on the end goal! Love and hugs, Gilly xxx

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    2. Hi Julia,
      Well done! Hope you're feeling a bit better now. Great to have you back commenting! Love and hugs Alison xxx

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  24. Hello Barbara

    Glad to hear you recognised what was happening and maaged to get away, intact hopefully. I have known one or two people like that.

    See you tomorrow and have a safe journey with Paul.

    Love
    Roz.x

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  25. This is great advice - thank you (and I will bear it in mind if I run into the nasty character who lives up the road and tried to kick my cat!! - he was completely sozzled, but that is no excuse). Do you have any suggestions for dealing with drunken bullies please?
    Love
    Maggie (Yorkite)

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  26. Hello Barb, a great blog post with sound advice, a)try not bite, b) if you do, then walk away really quickly. Have a great day. Bx

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  27. You are right not to let people press those buttons Barbara and it doesn't give them what they want which has to be a good thing. x

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  28. Fix your marriage and relationship after a breakup or divorce, 100% guarantee Love spell..! A very big problem occurred in my Marriage seven months ago,between me and my husband .so terrible that he took the case to court for a divorce. he said that he never wanted to stay with me again,and that he didn't love me anymore.So he packed out of the house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get him back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and he confirmed it that he has made his decision,and he never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my husband .So i explained every thing to him,so he told me that the only way i can get my husband back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for him too.So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow his advice. Then he gave me the email address of the spell caster whom he visited. I sent a mail to the address he gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my husband back the next day. What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me, and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my husband who didn't call me for the past 7 months, gave me a call to inform me that he is coming back. So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster. So, i will advice you out there if you have any problem contact Dr Ifi, i give you 100% guarantee that he will help you........ Email him at ( dr.ifi.spelltemple@gmail.com ) Call +2347031991061 Thanks for reading.

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Thank you for your kind messages and I hope you get inspiration from my ramblings.

Barb x