Wednesday, 8 November 2017

Restraint of Pen and Tongue

Hi there.
Thanks for popping in.
The weather is a little drab here darn sarf, 
so we’re off up to London for a business meeting!

Wednesday’s blog 
- the day we speak about matters of the heart and soul, right? 

One thing I learned a long time ago was restraint of pen and tongue. I cannot help the thoughts that come into my head, 
but I certainly don’t have to voice them. 
And when somebody attacks me or provokes me, I try to press the pause button before I respond. It just gives me enough time to measure up what to say, and whether a response is even required. 

It doesn’t always work, especially when I am 
Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired (HALT)
but at least I TRY to make a concerted effort not to add fuel to a simmering fire, or fan the flames.

Can I be be honest? One of my defects of character is Anger. I don’t know why that is, but Anger is deep-rooted in my personality, and I don’t like it. So I try not to feed it. In fact, I go to great lengths to keep it buried deep inside.
Every now and then, rarely actually, it catches me unawares, rears its ugly head -  and God help the poor soul who is on the receiving end. 
In the words of that old sot on Poldark, 
t’ain’t pretty, 
t’ain’t right, 
t’ain’t friendly. 

So it is important to be vigilant.
When people prod me on Facebook, for example, I have learned to not take the bait. That’s what my Dad taught me. He always said, “Don’t bite. When you do, they’ve won.”

Sometimes I read ridiculous and offensive stuff, and my gut reaction is to go in guns a-blazing. But then I stop.
The Restraint of Pen rule kicks in, and I go find Dave, or Steve, or Paul - to talk to about it. Someone I trust and love, who understands how I tick. 

There’s a lot of negativity and hurtful stuff bounced around on these social networks. Keyboard warriors come out in force to play.
All I can do is recommend my form of defence:
restraint of pen and tongue.

If you don’t play, the game stops.
And how empowering to know what you think 
and not play your cards in public.


Love & Hugs,
Barb
xxx






59 comments:

  1. Wise words, Barbara. Sending hugs x

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  2. Wonderful words of advice Barb. I shall certainly try that rule. I do try and stay quiet but every once in a while my belligerent side rushes to the forefront and I am powerless to stop it. Lol. However, from now on - I shall try harder to keep belligerence in that locked cupboard in my head. Have a great meeting and a lovely day. Xxx

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  3. I totally agree with you. I'm sure Facebook and similar social sites do have a positive effect for some but in general they are so destructive as to what people say to who. What you say is what I've preached to my kids ever since they joined Facebook.

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  4. Totally agree with all that you have said Barbara. I too, try to ignore a lot of things and although I am an Aries - it is rare that I explode! I always say that I have got a long fuse, but.... when it blows, stand clear!
    I hope that all goes well in your business meeting - love and hugs, Gilly xxx

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    1. Hi Gilly, I am just the same, I stay silent for a long time but just occasionally ........
      I hope you are both well xxx

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    2. Oh, Gilly and Chris, I'm exactly the same! I am very patient, and very easy going and will do anything to avoid an argument,but once I do get angry, I am horrible! People at school used to say that one look from me in a temper would be enough - didn't even have to say anything!! Love and hugs to you both, Alison xxx

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  5. Great advice Barbara. I have always tried to treat people how I would like to be treated. Doesn’t always work but 99.9 % of the time it does. Hope your trip to London is a successful one.

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  6. Nearly bitten my tongue off at times and 're the fingers, I've headed off to the craft room to keep them busy. I have recently been told I'm too soft - well, perhaps I am, but when I do come to a parting of the ways with someone or need to stick up for me and mine, I will do. I can be slow to anger and very long suffering, but it does give me time to think of my reaction. Don't change Barbara, because it all adds to your character and we would have you no other way x

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  7. Sunny and bright up North!! I always like what you write as its so true but sometimes the pen and or tongue takes over! But I do try not to jump in the frying pan! Enjoy your business meeting!

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  8. Oh so true. I have a policy of not getting involved on social media sites and on the few occasions that I have tried to say something I have always regretted it. The trouble is that you are left wondering where all the nice people have gone because they too have learnt to keep out of it.

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  9. Totally agree with you Barbara. Don't give the bullies power by hastily responding, take the power from them instead.

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  10. Indeed and if there is a genuine constructive feedback then ring clarity and speak to the lovely staff instead of bitching on social media, very irritating and just attention seeking, I refuse to join in. Xx

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  11. Wise words Barbara and a great rule to live by. I, too have a tendency to respond in anger and often have to bite my tongue. Hope your meeting goes well.
    Gayle x

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  12. All sunny and bright blue skies here in the Northwest of England!
    Hope your meeting goes well.
    All you say is so true and I will add that you also need to know who to trust and who not to!
    Love and hugs xxx

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  13. It must be very hard not to respond to some of the remarks that are posted. I try to stay out of any slanging matches. Why people can't just be nice I really don't know. xx

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  14. Totally agree, too many people think that the anonymity of social media gives them the right to be cruel and unkind without any thought to the recipients feelings. Can be hard at times not to respond on others behalf. As my mum ( and Thumper ) used to say " if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all ! "

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  16. Could agree more Barbara words can hurt very deeply sending hugs lots love joy x

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  17. Extremely wise words. I used to be a keyboard warrior, now if I find myself getting worked up about something I ask myself if it makes a difference to my life, if it doesn’t then I delete/hide/ignore and move on.

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  18. Very wise words Barbara, but not easy done. In French we have an expression which has the same meaning than tours and it is "tourner sa langue 7 fois dans sa bouche avant de parler", but sometimes words go out of (my) mouth quicker than it should. Specially if someone I care for is attacked, but I keep trying. Enjoy you day. Xx

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  19. So very true Barbara. Sometimes though it is really had to bite your tongue especially when people are so cruel and unthinking. We really need to try to rise above it and not let them rattle our cage. I think you do a grand job. Hope you have a good day in London even though its work oriented. Lovely and sunny here.xxxx

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    1. Hugs Pam I hope you are as well as possible xx

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    2. Hi Pam,
      Sending love and hugs to you and hoping you're well as you can be, Alison xxx

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  20. I definitely agree! I can't believe the hurtful things people say on social media sometimes, people can be so mean. i have seen people complain on Facebook about an order problem in a very negative hurtful way. There is no need for it - mistakes happen and a phone call or email to whichever company inevitably sorts it out with no problem! I think correcting errors shows excellent customer service! Everyone makes a mistake sometimes - it's allowed! But a nasty rant on Facebook where everyone can see is totally uncalled for! That's my rant over! xxx

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  21. this is so true, my biggest failing is opening my mouth before I put my brain into gear. on social media I've seen unfair comments, and once responded to support someone, the backlash/insults from one person was horrendous. I thought of quitting social media completely at that point but I really like all of the craft blogs and posts so I wont let the bullies win, Like you I now take a step back and either ignore them or stop following the pages they are on.

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  22. I totally agree with you Barbara I try to do the same but there are those moments I have to say something to back you up and put those bad mouthed/keyboard people straight. You are amazing and I have been your follower since you moved to England. I won’t have a bad word said about you or your team. I love all Clarity. Crafty hugs 🤗 Zena.

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  23. Words of wisdom there Barb. Not always easy, but I'm still trying... Love xxx

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  24. If someone is determined to slag someone off, then it doesn't matter what you say, you can't win. Best to say nothing and leave them wondering. I never understand why people are so nasty for all the world to see xx

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  25. One of the reasons I don't do Facebook or anything else apart from your blog. It's so easy to write something and the reader can't judge the tone of voice or see an expression so it can make it seem even harsher. Sticks and stones and all that....
    Hope all goes well in London. Belated birthday wishes to Dave xx

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    1. Hello everyone. we've been so busy. our neighbours took out a huge leylandii hedge on the boundary of our back gardens. We knew it was going to be done and they've put in a lovely baby beech hedge, however we have spent days clearing all our jaded shrubs from the border and clearing up mountains of leaves. 26 big sacks to the tip and a full green bin!!!
      I am now just about to go back to my Christmas card making while watching Rosie. I'm going to try the new snowflake duets xx

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    2. Hi Chris,
      Gosh you have been busy! Bet you're goosed! Hope you got on well with the duets. Love and hugs Alison xx

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  26. I have had a lot of feeling angry for the last few weeks due to how I lost my job. It has been tough on Hubbie as I know I have lashed out at him as a vent but he has been very calming for me and put things into perspective. I also have some amazing friends who have so supportive in so many ways over the last few weeks. It has been hard but I have found many quality time thing to do while I am not working which has given me purpose again.
    Thank you for your wise words today. They are just what I needed to hear toady.

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  27. Yes, best to keep quiet and not show you’re bothered. Hope your meeting goes well. I’m just off for a mammogram and the same hospital has just rung with an appointment for hubby next week re a sore lip that doesn’t seem to heal. Beginning to think we’ll have a ward named after us soon ! LOL ! X

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  28. Fab advice x. I oo have the same personality flaw and find it difficult to keep in check. Best to avoid the negative and walk away! x

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  29. Such wise words. I'm a slow to anger person, but I hate to give offense so I always found it really hard to tell people if they did something to annoy or upset me, or if something needed to improve. I've had to work on that over the years, so I guess there's no danger of me becoming a keyboard warrior or social media moaner anytime soon. x

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  30. Wise words, social media should be used to spread good messages and make links to other people. It seems that it's used by a certain proportion as a pat for to vent their vile, untrue, unhelpful comments on the world and then get upset when someone tells them so. The usual response is 'everyone is entitled to an opinion' true but that doesn't mean you have to write it and post it for the world and his uncle to read! Sometimes it strikes me that FB has become the new playground full of the bullies who only live to upset as many people as they can, you can bet if you spoke to one of them on their own they wouldn't be so brave. I am so glad I grew up before social media.

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  31. Hi Barbara thank you for your sage advice. It is so much better not to fuel these conflicts. On the way to the NEC last weekend we were subjected to road rage. A chap got out of his car and screamed threats at my husband and then thumped the window. Neither of us reacted and he went on his way. Had we joined in it would have escalated out of control. It is a hard lesson to learn with lots of mistakes along the way. Take care. Hugs Jackie

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  32. My response to social media negativity - 1.) type a reply, 2.) save in draft 3.) either count to ten or wait ten minutes 4.) re-read 5.) delete.
    Works as a great salve and also to vent one's spleen without any upset. ;~}

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  33. Very true words Dear Barbara .... I do not like it when there are those who hide behind the keyboard and say things that hurt etc etc. Good advice not to bite

    Hugs x

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  34. Very wise words Barbara, if only these keyboard warriors stopped and thought about what they were going to say before they press send! Love all you and your team do and find your work inspiring. Love & hugs Jenny x

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  35. Sometimes as you get older you forget these wise words then kick yourself for taking the bait. I don't know how some people can write some things on Feb and I was always taught it's nice to be nice hugs Barbara keep up the good work your doing a lovely job and are a very popular lassie xx

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  36. I've got a fairly nasty temper....but can count on less than one hand the number of times I've actually 'lost' it! I developed a tactic of not giving people the response they expected just before I reached my teens (many years ago!) and still use it now...love the way it totally 'wrong foots' people and I usually have to beat a hasty exit before I break into a fit of giggles which would totally ruin the 'moment' if you get my meaning. Still don't get why people think it's their right to wind people up, slag them off or whatever etc on social media but you'll always get them...unfortunately! Easiest to just let them get on with it.

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  37. Wise words Barbara. I've noticed that some people are becoming less tolerant generally and give quite negative comments oblivious to how it may hurt. So I scroll on by or withdraw to a safe place and hope that only being kind to others will help. Take care xx

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  38. I agree with you Barbara, some people like to prod and poke to see if they can get a reaction so it is good not to give them the response they want. Taking a second to think about it before giving a response is the best way to go. Personally I have been known to bite back but not too often I think, and a look can speak a thousand words. x

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  39. I absolutely agree well said that Lady and I admire your restraint it can not be easy sometimes!
    Facebook is a great place to meet like minded people, negative comments or argumentative words see me scroll on by always have always will, your Dads words are so true and similar was said to me when being bullied at school....walk away and ignore the bullies......hard to do but great feeling when you realise it works. 😊

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  40. Well said Barb, totally agree with you xx

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  41. Absolutely true. And you have the Clarity Army to defend you as well! X

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  42. Wise words Barbara, sometimes it is hard to ignore but be strong !

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  43. So agree with your thoughts Barbara.
    My mantra is ' if you can't say something nice, better to say nothing at all' It's what I try to get the children to think about too.
    I saw a poster with good advice
    Before you speak
    THINK
    Is it True?
    Is it Helpful?
    Is it Interesting?
    Is it Nice?
    Is it Kind?

    If the answer to any of these is NO, then keep quiet.
    Perhaps some folks who write these unkind, unhelpful, uninteresting comments on social media should take notice!!!

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  44. Oh Barbara, not again. Why do people say hurtful things? How would they feel if the tables were turned. You are so right to turn away and find a trusty friend. We love you Barbara and you are so generous both with your time and talents xx

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  45. My expression has always been that " A fire will only burn if you give it oxygen, No oxygen, and it will fizzle out." It may smoulder away for a while, but eventually it will just go out.... nuff said. .....

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  46. Hi Barbara
    Oh not again, why do these silly people like to have a go at you! It must be because you are popular and wonderful. Just ignore them, it's the best thing to do. You are a wise soul and have them sussed, you know they wouldn't be brave enough to have that conversation face to face. Hope your meeting went well. Take care
    Love Diane xxx

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  47. HI BARBARA. WHEN I WAS 14 (I'M 63 NOW) LIVING IN LONDON I WAS ALWAYS COMING HOME WITH POSTERS FOR MY WALL. BUT THIS TIME IT WAS MY DAD'S TURN TO GIVE ME A POSTER.. YOU SEE I WAS ALWAYS ROWING WITH MY MUM. THIS POSTER SAID
    OH LORD HELP ME TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT UNTIL I'M WISE ENOUGH TO OPEN IT. ....FOOD FOR THOUGHT. AND STAYED ON MY WALL TIL I LEFT HOME.

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  48. Hello Barb, wise words indeed. I do hope I have not said anything out of turn to you. I do suffer a similar issue with anger, but have trouble keeping my mouth shut sometimes. Take care. Bx

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  49. They are sad little people who haven't got the gumption to succeed in life. Sod .em.

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Thank you for your kind messages and I hope you get inspiration from my ramblings.

Barb x